Potential
As a “gifted” kid growing up in the 70’s and 80’s, I heard a lot about my potential.
When I informed my high school guidance counselor at the beginning of my junior year that I decided to pursue a degree in theology rather than one in computer science, I was told that my decision “was the waste of a lot of potential.”
When I graduated high school and prepared to head to college to earn said theology degree, a friend’s mom (whom I dearly loved and respected highly as a paragon of Christian wisdom) gave me a copy of a book Great Leaders of the Christian Faith with an inscription that ended with “I have no doubt that one day, you will be a great leader of the faith too.” Sadly, ALS claimed her far too young, but it is some small comfort to me that she never saw her hopes for me dashed.
It might not be obvious to you, dear reader, but I am not a great leader of the Christian faith. All that potential, wasted.
I was a pastor for almost exactly one year (12 years ago now). I had a very good reason for resigning my pastorate, but the stigma of “failed pastor” hangs about me. Worse, I was a part-time pastor (I believe “bivocational” is the correct term, if working a full-time job and preparing sermons on nights and weekends counts), so I get the additional stigma of “not a REAL pastor.”
I did a Master’s program in theology, thinking that that would remove the stigma. Nope. The best ministry opportunities I can trusted with is preaching once a month at a local retirement home. (Which I enjoy immensely, and am not complaining about.) The stigma taints everything. “He put his hand to the plow and looked back. He’s not fit.”
All that potential, wasted.
Or was it ever really there? Were my teachers and my friend’s mom mistaken?
Or is this the hand of God? It must be, since he is sovereign over all. Is this his way from keeping me from pride? Must I wear the scarlet F forever?
I realize this is a bit raw. But it’s where I am right now.
More importantly, what do I do?
I love your honesty in this post. I feel similar in some ways of being a failed missionary (one year that I thought was to lead to a lifetime of service). I also did more schooling to be better prepared.
As you already know, God won’t waste it, brother. I’m just not sure how yet either. It sure sounds like he has been sanctifying you through it all. Lord, help us see.
I know it's trite to say "I know how you feel", but in regard to your post, I think I do. I have failed at a lot. Like you there were high expectations attached to me: I graduated high school when I was 16, in college that year, in a PhD program when I was 20. But I failed at that, I never developed the affinity for the academic path and I dropped out. Then I studied the martial art Aikido, for 10+ years. I was damn good at it, was an instructor and had relatively high rank. But then between injury and my own restlessness, I stopped that. I was married then, taught myself software engineering, got a job which became a career. I think I did some valuable things in that time, had an impressive title, shipped products, helped people here and there.
But for a very long time now, I have given zero thought to might have beens, because I let life happen for me. I valued my wife, and then my kids, and building each day with them was the most important thing. Not that I don't pursue accomplishment -- you can't be a good partner or example to anyone by doing nothing -- but I've achieved the things I have in service to my life, not the other way round.
In no way do I regret not being a famous scientist, or renowned martial artist, or super-rich software entrepreneur. Those goals are traps, luring us with prestige or what have you. I'm not a religious person, but I do very much believe in the concept "pray when no one is looking". The only important judge of your life is you.